My Journey

MY JOURNEY

So I’ve meaning to  do this for ages. Write down my experiences,my difficulties,my hurdles,my journey,my triumphs,the good days,my bad days.

My moments of embarrassment, defeat and depression.
The things I've over come and learning to accept it.

I’ve had a stammer  since I was 4 I’m now 22.

 It’s ordinary for children to stammer at a young age, it’s when children are learning to speak, learning new words and developing their speech patterns.

It normally goes away but sometimes it doesn’t and you're ‘stuck ‘ with it.

I’ve had it ever since and after going to speech therapy and them telling me at the age of 7 that they couldn’t do anything about it I struggled with it on my own until the age of 18.

Really they should of kept me in therapy as that’s the best time – not to cure is as they say there’s no cure or cause , but maybe it could have diminished it with some time.

I made the decision to go back to therapy because I’d never felt so low and isolated in my entire life. My speech was affecting every single aspect of my life, I had no self-confidence what’s so ever.

The simplest things like ordering food,buying things from the shop, phoning people, joining in conversations was so nerve racking and scary and I was so embarrassed and worked up that these things,everyday things we’re getting to me.

I started avoiding  things ,people ,every opportunity I had to  speak I’d just block it  out or make conversations as short as possible.

This started affecting relationships, my decisions, my personality- I’m quite laid back in general

but when my stammer worsened I went from being a bit shy to totally reserved .

I didn’t want to speak in public, with big groups of people, new people, even family I avoided speaking even when I had so much to say or an opinion I just kept my mouth shut or tried to pluck up the courage to say a couple of sentences.

I got so good at concealing it that people I’ve known for years didn’t even know I had a stammer.

I think what got me the most is when it started to affect the one thing that I love, my acting, my dream and my future career.

See I’ve always had a stammer but it’s never affected my performance- I’ve always been fluent in shows and plays so when it crossed over at the crucial age of 17 my world kind of fell apart.

Acting from the age of 9 doing shows every year  till the age of 16 with no fears , nothing stopping me so desperately wanting to pursue a career , working with established Manchester Theatres getting a place in the National Youth Theatre, I was at the top of my game.

16, passionate, ambitious,wanted to go straight to Drama School after High School- until I realised that I couldn't and was too young – I even applied to LIPA lol and they wrote me back an encouraging letter telling me that they loved my application and to reapply when I was old enough.

But at the age of 17/ 18 I was a fraction of myself. I’d become so consumed by my speech and stammer that I wasn’t myself at all.

I also let other people's negativity and views affect me emotionally and psychologically.

I was so down that I let other people opinions affect me, I was convinced that I’d never become an actress because I couldn’t even say a sentence without a struggle.

This was also put into my head by people close to me and I think this also made me crack.

I couldn’t even have a full conversation with my Mum who I feel so comfortable around without jerking or blocking so how was I going to become a successful actress? Perform full monologues, be on set, on stage etc

So I stopped acting for a year ,until I realised I couldn't let my stammer control my life and my calling. I couldn't let it stop me living, living my life, living my dream, stop me making conversation…

So I referred myself to Speech Therapy, started an acting class and  I think it’s the best thing I’ve ever done.

It hasn’t cured my stammer, I still have bad days and still have insecurities but I’m not in that dark place anymore, I now stammer more freely.

Group therapy worked wonders as I was around people who knew what I was going through, they understood me and I could confide in them openly.

I didn’t feel alone like I had.

Friends and family can be there for you and sympathise with you but they have NO IDEA what you’re going through.

Also being around professionals who've actually studied the stammer was comforting, informative and I learnt so much about it, it also helped my mum support me more as she learnt more about my impediment with me.

I now have so much courage and have become more open.

There’s a quote by Neale Donald Walsch 

‘Life begins when you leave the comfort zone’

And it’s so true.

I hope this blog encourages people who are suffering  and encourages them to be more open and also find help if their in the dark.

It hurts me to think that people are feeling the pain that I felt a couple of years ago.

You have a right to speak and a voice and you can’t live in fear and avoid every aspect of your life or hide away.

I would of never dreamt of writing this blog and exposing myself but I now feel brave enough.

I’ve still got a long way to go but step by step things will get better.

It’s your attitude towards your stammer rather than not speaking fluently , embracing and accepting it makes things 100 times better.

You’re still going to feel self-conscious at times but when it’s not this huge block , the Grim-reaper over your shoulder you feel so free.

Stammering without caring feels so good than hiding it and letting it control you.

It’s going to take time, it’s taken me 4-5 years to build up my confidence ( and I'm still getting there).

I’m not the carefree 16 year old actress that I was but I’m not the 18 year old who considered quitting acting and let my speech swallow me up and spit me back out.

I’m now an adult working my way up.

I hope this first blog is inspiring and I hope I can help people on their journey.

Feel free to comment below or tweet me at Giryi_MekishaB

And stay tuned for more :) .

Love

Mekisha

x